And my mind is filled with romantic women’s fiction, I’m reminded of how similar men and vegetables can be.  No, seriously!  Have you ever thought about it?  Probably not–most sane people don’t! 

But me?  When I’m not writing I spend a lot of time in my garden–maybe too much!  And while I’m not writing out there, I am crafting and over the months, have come up with a few analogies of my own.  Take a look at this list and tell me you don’t recognize YOUR man in one of these descriptions! 

Corn – Tall and slender with silken hair, this man provides well and yields a harvest of golden treasure.  While pleasing to look at, beware:  he also tends to be needy; easily blown over by the slightest of breezes—not the man for you hardier types!

Peanut – This good ole boy is made of solid stuff, on the inside and the outside, not to mention he’s filled with sweet old-fashioned appeal.  For most ladies, it’s a tough combination to resist.  Add the fact the kids love him and you’ve got a yourself a marrying man! 

Watermelon – This well-rounded fun-loving guy is always welcome at a summer barbecue and usually proves a big hit with the kids.  Prone to balding, his colorful personality distracts one from notice.  However, take heed.  If left to his own device, this one can grow wild and get quite out of hand!

Garlic – This fellow is somewhat distant, as he spends long periods of time out of sight, only to emerge when conditions improve.  Strong and distinct, he’s not for everyone, but given the right environment, he can show great depth, even mellow his pungent tone with time.  A worthy peer, indeed.

Okra – Strong, of firm build, this one likes it hot and enjoys it spicy—very at home in the Big Easy, too.  Generally speaking, he blends well with others, can plant himself anywhere, but caution:  he can be seedy, even a bit slimy at times.

Potatoes – These fellas are generous producers, enjoyed by most everyone as they appeal to a variety of tastes.  They can get easily crowded, though, so give them plenty of space.  If you do, you’ll have yourself a real winner with this one.  Note:  be patient with the sweeter types—they need a little more time before they’re ready to hit the dinner-date table.  But if you can wait, go for it.  You’ll reap the gold with this gem!

Onion – Sometimes sharp, sometimes sweet, this notable companion enhances every dish he meets.  But don’t be fooled.  You have to watch yourself around this double-edged treat.  He tends to “age” those around him quicker than most, and will often make you cry.  But if you like a challenge, give him a try.  He will infuse your life with flavor!

Raspberry – Sweet at first sight, this guy may follow up with a tart bite.  He generally likes to be left alone—literally thrives out in the wild of nature.  Ah…an adventurous type yourself, you’ll feel drawn to this bright and colorful character, but be forewarned:  he’s got thorns and lots of them.

Squash – Talk about diversity, this one has it!  From sunny yellow summers to cold and cozy winters, this man will keep you well supplied no matter the season.  The cutest of pumpkins, he’s always welcome during the holidays, and his cousin plays a mean racquet ball—for you sportier types.  But keep him moving; stagnation easily leads to illness with this one.  Rest assured, if variety is your thing, take heart.  This dazzling character can fulfill your desires, tenfold.

Carrots – Bred from firm and solid fiber, these men are steady and strong and always there for you.  Given proper attention, they can also become quite sweet in nature; a true hidden treasure, if ever there was one.  They do need some elbow room, a bit of thinning at times, but if you’re willing to work for it, this one’s a keeper!

Beets – Down to earth is putting it mildly with this guy–he’s knee deep in it!   Quiet, mellow, well-rounded…  It’s a wonder he doesn’t rank top of the list for every woman in town.  Perhaps he can come on a bit strong, in an easy-going sort of way.  But if you have thick skin and like to keep it real?   This one’s for you.

Lettuce – This boy likes everybody and everybody likes him.  Similar to the granola-type male, this fella stays healthy and fit, slim and trim.  How could he be anything else?  He has a knack for blending well with any crowd and blend well, though be careful–once he mingles, it’s hard to separate him from the mix!

Tomatoes – This popular guy is an all around favorite with the ladies, most drawn to his bright and cheery appearance and radiant personality.  A real reliable kind of guy, sweet with a hint of tang, meaty and quite robust—he comes in all sizes.  Yes, this one is tempting.  Be sure you’re in for the commitment—he’s going to need it if you expect him to produce.

My husband?  He’s definitely a raspberry with garlic tendencies, yet aging like a carrot. 

Me?  He claims I’m a Venus flytrap.  Yes, I gave him the evil eye—at first.  But then, I got to thinking.  Imagine the unique and stunning plant for a moment, with her beautiful red, heart-shaped petiole, her pair of symmetrical lobes hinged near the midriff—I mean, midrib. 

Lovely so far, isn’t it?  Catches insects and spiders with a bat of her eyelashes.  Tolerates fiery tempers–er, fire well.  Tolerates fire well.   Actually uses the flames to suppress the competition around the neighborhood.  (Sounds like a feisty gal to me!)  Sure, she can be difficult to grow, but what plant doesn’t have its difficult days?  You know, the more I think about it, the more I heard compliment.

What does it mean when your husband turns to you, holds up his shirt and asks, “Who’s putting the laundry away now?”

Peering at him, I wondered, is this a trick question?  Did he think we had little laundry fairies running around the house these days?  Tapping back my thoughts, I stated the obvious.  “I am, of course.” 

“Can you explain this?”

Gazing at his golf shirt I thought, too any wrinkles?  Is that my problem?  I did buy that steamer.  The man knows how to use it.  Why was he bothering me with this?

But the question remained.  “Explain what?” I asked.

“Look closely.”

I did and to my complete embarrassment, noticed nothing awry.

He moved closer and held the seam up for my inspection.

Realization hit, swift and sure. With a thud, actually, square in the rear.  “Oh.”  

The darn thing was hung on the hanger inside out!

I glanced back to him and returned a sheepish smile. “I must have been busy when I was hanging that up.”

Not angry, not shocked, he shook his head.  “Hm.  Must have been.” Without another word, he removed his shirt from the hangar, pulled it outside out and slipped it on over his head. Quietly, calmly, he continued about his business.

Staring at him as he walked out of the bedroom, I wondered, is that what writing does to a gal? Talk about multi-tasking malfunction!

And to think I thought I had it all under control; whacking away at the keyboard, caught up in passionate love scenes, diligently ignoring the thump of the washing machine as it banged the opposite side of my office wall.

Hmph. So much for my fine job of compartmentalizing with amazing efficiency.  Apparently I’m a slacker! 

Laundry slacker, that is.  But you know…I don’t really love laundry.  I don’t even hate it.  I frankly feel no passion towards the activity at all (which is probably why I’m not very good with it). 

Same goes for dinner.  Most of the time, the meal isn’t even on my radar.  Something my husband simply cannot fathom.  “How can you forget about dinner? Happens every day, same time, same place…”  Then he gives me that look, as though some of the marbles have bounced clear out of my ears.  But he doesn’t dare ask the question most certainly poking around his brain. “Are you okay?”

I’m fine.  Great, actually.  I’m writing all day!  I’m creating!  I’m lost in my very own world of fantasy and escape–how could I not be fabulous?

Er—that’s sort of the problem.  When you’re officially a stay-at-home mother, you’re supposed to be focused on the children, the house, the husband.  You’re supposed to accomplish your to-do list of laundry and cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking–not escaping into romantic fantasy.

Yes, well, what can I say?  I’m easily distracted. I’m creative.  My mind doesn’t work with the same discipline and logic as my husband’s engineer-oriented brain. 

Okay, that’s not entirely true.  When I’m outlining a novel or organizing my book notes I am ALL logic and discipline—it simply doesn’t extend to the household chores!  Something I might want to remember next time I ask my children why their bedrooms are in a shambles, or why their laundry baskets have overflowed to the point they can no longer see their shoes!  What will I say when they look around their room, then with give a shrug to their shoulders and reply, “I guess I got distracted.”

Really now…

Every summer our family heads to Steinhatchee Florida for a week of scalloping off the Gulf coast with a group of families and friends.  We began this escapade about five years ago when the kids were young, about four and six, and have looked forward to going in search of scallops ever since.  Best to start them early when mastering the finer points in the skill of the hunt. We bought a new scope which has made hunting easier. Hunt?  Scallops?  How does one actually go about catching a scallop, anyway?

Ah…so you’ve never hunted scallops before—well sit tight—you’re in for a treat!  Not only is snorkeling the shallow waters of the Gulf of Mexico gobs of fun for all ages, but securing your treasure trove of scallops is an exhilarating thrill, one you can enjoy with your kids.

But try to contain your excitement and pay attention when the kids catch their first one.  If given the chance, scallops will bite. Pinch, snap their clam shell closed on your finger, whatever you want to call it, you get the picture.  It hurts! My first scream was cause for alarm to those around me but they soon realized it was a mere case of “operator error” (not paying attention to the live creature in my hand) and began to ignore my squeals—painful, excited, and otherwise.

Now teaching your child to scallop is like a dolphin teaching her calf to fish. Glued to your side, the youngster swims along, observing your every move, watching for signs of scallops.  You point them out and the child looks at you as if, “Really, you want me to go down there?  I don’t think so.” 

Eventually, they’ll begin to make quick dashes for each and every scallop they see—but you’d better not venture too far from their sight else you be met by a different kind of shriek! No more watching shark week prior to scalloping.

Depending on conditions, finding scallops can be tricky.  As you swim along the surface, you’ll search for beady blue eyes peering up at you through murky green water, hidden between the sway of scaly green sea grass.  When you spot one, you dip down, reach your hand into the thick ground cover and grab the little fella! Some will make it easier on you by resting atop clumps of seaweed caught in the grass, in addition to reducing the fear factor of poking your hand into the unknown. 

Remember:  you are out in the wild of nature.  Of course if you’re lucky, you’ll see the scallops “swimming” above the fray—snap, snap, snap—as they whisk through the water taunting “Catch me if you can!” 

Which is harder than you think.  Sound fun yet? Didn’t think so.  Here, I’m a writer.  Let me try again.  There you are…snorkeling in the warm calm waters off Florida’s coast, enjoying a day of sunshine and saltwater with your kids.  As you float across the water’s surface, you delight in the shimmer of sunlight below, flowing across soft blades of sea grass like the undulating ribbons of light seen in Alaska’s Northern Lights, the Aurora Borealis.  It’s an incredible sight to behold.

Perhaps you’re enjoying the day with your man, scanning the terrain side by side, feeling like a lioness huntress in Africa, on the prowl for any sign of prey hidden in the grassy savanna.  You’ll know them by the fluorescent blue of their eyes glowing ever so subtly, a line of pearls between the nearly closed edges of their familiar scalloped shell.

Better?  I hope so.  Scalloping really is a lot of fun and I’d hate for you to miss out, all because of one poorly written description.  I mean, the meal you can make with these tender mollusks is absolutely divine!  And we do like to eat on vacation, don’t we?

However, before you can indulge in gastronomical heaven, you must remove them from their shells.  Oh yes.  Cleaning is BIG fun. Wedging a curved knife (grapefruit spoon works well, too) into their tightly closed shell, scraping them clear from the lid, then tossing it aside before you clean the muck and guts away from their pristine white flesh… 

If you’re anything like me, you’ll learn to prefer them on the half shell—great presentation and half the work. Smarter than the average sea turtle, yes she is! :)

Speaking of sea turtles, while you’re out on your scallop-hunting excursion, you’ll be witness to an amazing array of sea life.  From enormous sea turtles gliding by your boat to foot long stingrays skimming over grassy tips, you’ll feel at one with Mother Ocean.  Your kids?  The lure of finding a starfish, snail and blue crab will surely get them back in the water! View Intrepid Powerboats to choose the best option for your unforgettable experience.

Then take them into the kitchen.  Blue crabs are a tasty treat in these parts and all it takes is a quick boil to make them bright red and scrumptious good! And they make an excellent accompaniment to those scallops you’ve drenched in butter and garlic, topped with a dash of bread crumbs.  Hmmm….  So when are YOU going scalloping? Are you afraid of extra junk in your house? You can basically use any junk removal service you like.

Better hurry—season ends September 25^th.